My View - Wednesday 31st October 2018 

I’ve been keeping a macabre tally of half-eaten carcasses brought through our cat-flap this month. So far, we’ve been gifted two wings, four worms, three frogs, a claw and a tiny mouse. It’s become a bit of a murder lottery when we open the kitchen door every morning. So I let the kids get up first and wait for their shrieks. 

I don’t mind disposing of feathers or even feet, but if it’s still breathing, that’s most definitely a blue job. The frothing frog was 100 percent not going to be removed to safety by me or the girls. So Sam, armed with a spatula, coaxed the amphibian into one of those plastic squashy multi-purpose tubs and re-homed it in the rockery. But as well as jumping, frogs scream. It’s a truly horrific noise, particularly when added to the melee of having to keep the cats way from the cadavers in the process. Not your ideal start to the day. 

Still, I think it’s a better way to dispose of the night’s hoard than my friend Philly’s tactic. She’s been known to vacuum up dead voles. What’s worse, she hasn’t even got a Henry or one with a bag – it's a transparent cylinder job. She thought it was a better option than actually having to touch it, but to me, that’s bordering on barbaric.  

In other news though, we’ve been getting a great night’s sleep of late. The in-laws stayed in our bed recently. Not with us. We’d gone for a belated birthday weekend in Richmond and left them in charge. But upon our return, we were told that our mattress was singularly the worst surface they had ever had the misfortune to lay down on in all their married life. So after 16 years and at least three different mattress toppers, I was dispatched to Dreams in Bradford with a modest budget and a checklist.  

Well, that was weird. I had no idea where to start. How long do you lay down for? Do you get into your normal drifting off position? Shoes on or off? The saleswoman was so nice, due to the shop being so empty, that I felt obliged to try out every bed, making my way along the aisles from cheap and cheerful to daylight robbery. I was even offered a special pillow to take with me on my rounds. The only thing she could have done to improve my experience would have been to bring me a nice brew and the weekend papers, so I could fully immerse myself in a real-life scenario. 

In the end, I ordered something over-budget with inbuilt climate control and we took delivery last week. Honestly, I can’t believe we didn’t do this years ago, it’s heavenly. Unfortunately, we’re not the only two who think so. The daughter’s have taken to using our bedroom as their lounge now and the cats commandeer it all day. I just hope we don’t discover a vole at death’s door under the duvet.