Ice Cream for Breakfast

Thank God for my mother's forward planning. For the third time in two years, we received a phone call from the nursing home suggesting we get there sharpish to say our goodbyes – then the old bird's rallied. With her mild dementia, I'm sure she's no idea of the trauma we go through each time we brace ourselves for her last breath. It's probably just as well.

An ambulance had been called and we were told to meet them in A&E. She had pneumonia. But one thing I remember mum saying to me years ago was "I don't want to end up a vegetable in a nursing home." She even went as far as suggesting I collect up all her pills so she could down them with a gin, when the time came.

So my sister and I had a horrendous discussion about whether or not we thought she should be taken in, knowing that a frail old lady with dementia probably wouldn't come back, once admitted. But medical teams are legally obliged to save lives and as there wasn't a spare canister of oxygen kicking around, or facilities for administering intravenous antibiotics, we had no choice but to let them take her.

Fortunately, after two nights on a noisy ward, we got mum back to her familiar surroundings, where she's now being cared for in comfort by nurses she knows. She's still pretty much bedridden but is eating ice cream for breakfast (she'd never have let us get away with that) and is drinking enough juice to keep the oral antibiotics working.

But this incident brought the question of what happens next time? into sharp focus. Then I had a vague recollection of mum telling me about something called a Living Will (now renamed an Advance Decision). As my brother is executor of the estate, we asked him to see if there was anything in the envelope regarding her wishes for care. Bingo. We found her handwritten and signed Advance Decision document from 2007. It specifically states the circumstances in which she does and doesn't want medical intervention.

Grim reading as it was, it has taken a huge pressure of my siblings and I because it basically backs up everything we thought. She's even gone as far as attaching funeral specifics. I know it's horrific to even think about this kind of thing, it really is, but her canny forethought has helped us enormously.

So, along with making a financial will, which I still haven't got around to, I'm going to put down what I'd like in terms of end of life care. That way, when it comes to it, my family can focus on holding my hand and making sure the gin drip is working, rather than tearing around, trying to guess my wishes.

https://compassionindying.org.uk/library/advance-decision-pack/